Saturday, September 12, 2009

I want you to be my love

I'm sitting in a coffee shop window, watching the rain pour, devouring a steamy cup of coffee, and listening to Over The Rhine. This day is bliss wrapped up in pretty paper and sealed with a beautiful bow.

I adore a good cup of coffee, and as you all know - some good music - and when combined with the rain that I love so much - I just don't know what could get much better than this. Perhaps if I had an adorable, sleepy looking, godly man across from me. I picture him with messy hair, maybe a ball cap, and sporting his own version of default clothes - some I'll probably come to loathe the sight of, but secretly miss when they are in hiding. I picture him reading some completely random novel; maybe a ridiculous teen cult classic that I'm making him read, because I know he'll appreciate the craziness in me that loves something so absurd.
This coffee shop is one of about two bright spots in my Arlington living. It took it about 6 months to get here, but I am so glad it came. There's a magnolia tree planted outside and even in the rain, being beat up a bit, it's happy looking with six blooms sprinkled on it's branches. The ivory white of those pedals in the all surrounding greyness of this day is delightful to me.
My plan for this day is to make a grocery store run, and clean my apartment in the kind of way that doesn't get done during the week - actually clean my bath tub (it's had a LOT of use throughout this o-so-stressful week), clean off my desk and file the bills that have piled there for months, actually put away my laundry, and vacuum the carpet. It feels like the kind of day that I should have a companion for. Not doing anything in particular, just walking through the mundane tasks of life, of Saturdays, with me. I've always thought that you know you've got intimacy with a person when you can go to the grocery store with them. Whether its you or them that's doing the actual shopping; someone who you can walk through the store with - just because it's time together - THAT is relationship.

I'm forcing myself to not think about or do work today or tomorrow. I am beginning to feel like my life is defined by my work, and I'd much rather prefer it to be the other way around. I want to do what I do well, but too often that traps me into a mindset of believing that I have to be the BEST at it. That puts a lot of pressure on a girl. I enjoy being in the season of life that allows me to be extremely committed to my job - and I adore my job, so it's easy to get wrapped up in. I enjoy being able to pour myself into something that I am proud of, proud to be a part of, but not at the expense of the other things in my life that I have so much delight in. And that is where I have found myself this week.
It's very lonely.
I am learning that I can do what I do well, maybe even better than anyone else, but if it is at the cost of the loves in my life - I don't want it. There's nothing honorable about the one for the other. I'm learning a lot about boundaries and structure and appropriate passion (which, as you know is already a struggle for me :) ). I never want to miss what the Lord has planted right in front of me because I am so enamored with what could possibly be out there, or worse - what's behind me. I don't want to live with my bags packed, ready to move on at the drop of a hat; constantly eager for the next phase, season, or excitement.

So today - I am unpacking my bags. I'm settling in to where I am and enjoying the little things. A steamy cup of coffee, a well written song, a magnolia blossom, a well planned grocery store trip... I'll take one of each, please.

No comments: