Monday, September 14, 2009

I need to be reminded of who I was

I don't know if anyone else ever feels this way, but I'm feeling a little itchy in my own skin. It's almost like something doesn't fit right. You know when you find the perfect dress, wear it once or twice, and when you pull it out of the dryer, it's suddenly slightly too short to be comfortable in? That's how I feel - like something has shrunk and I'm no longer comfortable.

The past week or so, I keep finding myself slunched (Doubtful that's an actual word, but we're goin with it anyway) and in a little bit of pain. Every single time, I straighten up, try and stretch my shoulders and think "what's wrong with my shoulders? Did I sleep weird?" Only after a good week, I can laugh at myself, because CLEARLY, I just need to calm the heck down and stop being so stressed out.

So here's the thing: I think few people actually understand this about me, and there are a couple of you who are learning, but while I am an extremely verbal person, what I say out loud is only half of what's in my head. And sometimes I sink into a very introverted, thinky, place and I do this thing where my dearest friends have to tell me "turn your brain off" or "don't get too much in your head." It's not always a bad thing, but sometimes it gets really weighty.
So here I am, having enjoyed the rain and being by myself over most of the weekend, and I have sunk into this place where every flaw and imperfection and mistake are clear as day and I don't like it. They seem to be giant trees, with gangly, leafy branches that shade the good in me. Questions fill my brain and are so loud I'm almost constantly distracted.
What could I have done differently?
What should I be doing differently?
What needs to change about my personality?
What needs to grow in my personality?
How can I be a better friend/daughter/person?
What have I done wrong?
What will it take to achieve (fill in the blank)?

While I'm not so naive to think that it's not sometimes beneficial to ask yourself questions of this nature, more often than not these questions perpetuate feelings of inadequacy. (this is all coming together right this second for me, I haven't made this distinction before) I guess it's that - the feeling inadequate that has me feeling so at odds with myself.

Hmm. So what's a lie and what's Truth? What is actually in me that needs to be weeded out, and what is great & grand and being stifled by my own absurdity? I know what's there, I guess I just get to a place where I doubt it. And I seriously stress myself out trying to convince others that there are good things that exist in me. I think I might be a little frustrated with feeling like I have to do that. On the heels of being told "We would never date, you're too crazy for me." I'm trying to figure out how to embrace my crazy, and brush off the could-be insult, and accept it as flattery.

I need to figure out what I want to be perceived in me, and build it, make it strong and dominant. Insecurity is a very unattractive thing in a person.

I need to be reminded of who I was
When I took my first steps out the door
All I said now follows me around
I'm reminded I'm not like that anymore

I uprooted and miles behind me
Are the faces and the home I love
You've brought to my attention
I'm slowly changing and becoming
What I wanted to stop

Isn't that just like a finite mind
Setting out with such righteous indignation
But now I'm at your feet
Could you look at me with some imagination

The bush before me, I slip my sandals off
I only stopped to look
In the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great storm
I run, I run from you

Isn't that just like a finite mind
Setting out with such righteous indignation
But now I'm at your feet
Could you look at me with some imagination

So remind me why you woke me up
And why you wake me every morn
The staff in my hand
Held in by your love
Just stay close, stay close

Because I know my own mind
I set out with righteous indignation
But when I'm at your feet
Please look at me with some imagination
With some imagination

No comments: