Tuesday, September 4, 2007

try and love me if you can

trust: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confident expectation of something; a person on whom one relies.

There are a few people in my life that I trust unconditionally. These are the people who I know, no matter what they tell me, I can trust it. Where I am concerned, I never doubt their advice, leading, input, opinions, etc... They are the ones whom I never doubt their integrity in giving me advice or help. They freely give help without expecting anything back from me. This is not to say that they are unselfish people, because they are, in fact - people. But whenever I am in need - be it physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental need - they bare (Col. 3:12) with me excellently. They don't tell me things or lead me in a way that solely benefits themselves. They are strong when I am not. They are able when I am not. I am confident that they will be there, and remain there, even when I am not myself. I trust them without any strings attached... unconditionally.

My Dad has never been one to freely give help to me. He wants me to learn things for myself, even if that means making mistakes. He refuses (and rightly so) to cater to my occasional "neediness" by not making his help easy to come by. But - he has never let me down. My Dad works extremely hard to provide, and has always done an amazing job. I have learned that while he may not be swift to give physical help, he is constantly spouting the sagest of words. He says in passing "choose your partner well"... and I will. I will because I know my Dad knows what is best for me in that regard, and he knows me well enough to know that I will struggle. I trust him.
There are a handful of my friends too, but two that are blog-worthy. One of them is the one who would never say to me what she knows I already know. She is always careful with my feelings. She sticks with me even when I am making poor choices. She will tell me what is dangerous about a situation and give me caution, but more importantly, she is there when I have been burned and fall in a heap at her feet. She is there, and she would never say "I told you this would happen." I trust her unconditionally because she is relentless. The other is slightly less understood, but over the past couple of years I've learned that he, like me, does friendship seriously. He values and highly regards those willing to invest in him in friendship, and he makes the same investment in return. We joke about him always coming to the rescue in bizarre situations, but I know that he really would. And he knows that he would. He is the one who values my commitment to him enough to be what I need when I need it. And he is not the type to hold it over my head. I trust him without any expectation.

Each of these (as well as those not mentioned) have seen me freak out in one way or another. They have put up with my over-analytical, over-emotional, over-dramatic self and are still around. My Dad has continued to be available to me, and provide for me. My friends have hugged me when I'm crying - not because they understand what I'm feeling, but because even though they knew I was being irrational, they just hugged me because they know that's what I needed.

This has been in my blog-brain for a while now and I think it's probably because I've come to the painful realization that some people just can't handle me. Some people don't know how, aren't willing, or are just lazy. Friendship...relationship is work. It's costly, but the most expensive things are often the most treasured.

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothings true and nothings right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise, I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise, I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave


Anonymous said...
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Tori said...

You are such a loyal and purposeful friend to so many people..I know there are many who would write the same words about you as one who stands beside them when they need it most. I'm just one!