Oh this is hard.
A few days ago I blogged about a past friend of mine (see, All I ever wanted was for me and the moon to shine). See, he's getting married today. I have been preparing myself for this day for the past few months, but I had NO idea how hard it would be. Two blocks down, in about four hours, he's getting married.
There's a lot of deep rooted things I feel. Some of them are COMPLETELY irrational, but some of them are deep, mutilated wounds that are wreathing in pain. I realize that every single one of you could not care less about what I feel, but this is MY blog, and I can say what I want to, and what I want to say is what I feel. He doesn't see this anyway.
I feel left out.
I feel lied to.
I feel completely and totally abandoned.
I feel manipulated.
I feel jaded.
I feel like a leper.
Most of me wishes the absolute best for both of them, regardless of the fact that because of this whole STUPID thing, so much more than the one relationship has been COMPLETELY, irreparably destroyed. But there is a small sliver of my heart that wishes I had been right. That they would see that I am worth it. That they would see that I never meant any harm, and that they would see it has been only their insecurities that has made things the way they are. A small part of me wishes they would realize that they will have to spend all of eternity with me, so they better just get used to me now. I wish that they would receive my genuine efforts toward reconciliation as just that instead of the cynical "Erin's just trying to start drama."
I know that I am probably better off. I know that I have done all I can do towards resolve. I know that I will be grateful they are spending eternity with me. I know that regardless of the condition of their hearts, that I have done all I can to get by. Maybe one day it won't, but today.... it just sucks.