Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Woman School

So - because I am a fair and reasonable person - I am going to post all the lovely thoughts my dear friend JJ had in response to Man School. I honestly just copied and pasted, although I was tempted to delete and re-write portions of it. Responses and rebuttals welcome :).

Okay. I've compiled a short list (less than 50) of courses needed in Woman School. Since I can pass your man school with better than a 90% grade I think I have enough clout to post this. I'm sure this will get a LOT of attention.

Woman School Syllabus

1) True Listening 101 – Women think guys don... Read More’t listen, but they bring new meaning to not listening. Unless a man is gossiping about a soap opera, Grey’s Anatomy, or The Notebook/English Patient type of movie she is not truly listening. Unfortunately for her, if she is listening to a man talk about those things she likely has NO CHANCE with him b/c he is more interested in the hot guy in whom she is REALLY interested.
2) Men and PMS 101 – I didn’t cause you to menstruate so I don’t expect to be verbally assaulted for half a week when it happens. That’s an issue between you and God and I would appreciate being left out of it. Thank you.
3) Getting Hit On 101 – Don’t act like you don’t want to be pursued when you really do. Guys are very literal people and don’t deal well in abstract insinuations. Say and do what you mean and mean what you say and do. Suddenly men might respond more to your liking.
4) Enjoying “Guys... Read More’ Night” 101 – When you’re with his friends don’t act like you don’t want to be there. He’ll be more likely to show you off if you acted like somebody who wanted to be there.
5) Self-Confidence 101 – When your man looks at another beautiful woman walking by it DOES NOT mean he wants to leave you for her. It doesn’t even mean he thinks she is more beautiful than you. It also doesn’t mean he is tired of looking at you. What it DOES mean is that he acknowledges her beauty the same way you would acknowledge Brad Pitt in any movie regardless of the plot.
6) Self-Confidence 201 – Don’t assume that b/c your best friends are married and have kids that your life is a total failure. I bet they envy you in many ways.
7) Self-Confidence 301 – Your hair doesn... Read More’t always look good when it gets cut. Sometimes beauticians screw up and sometimes you give horrible directions that even other women can’t follow. Don’t expect me to tell you it looks good if it doesn’t. If I do you will crucify me for lying to you. Faced with a lose-lose proposition we are always better off adhering to the axiom “honestly is the best policy.” The principles for men are found in course material from a different school. The course is called Intro to Common Sense for Men 101.
8) Real Men 101 – If a man doesn... Read More’t cry in The Notebook it DOES NOT mean he’s insensitive.
9) Real Men 201 – On the contrary, if he DOES cry is doesn’t mean he IS sensitive. It could mean the movie bored him out of his mind and brought him to tears. The point is that a man crying in a girly movie does not make him the ideal man. It could mean he is gay or bored to tears.
10) Real Men 301 – The previous point applies to many other aspects including talking/listening, complimenting you on insignificant things like jewelry and shoes, etc. These kinds of things do not make a man perfect or ideal, regardless of how much you like them.
11) Shopping 101 – Just because it is “on sale” does not mean it is a good deal. Note: Also covered in Rational Thinking 101.
12) Christmas Shopping 101 – 10 times as many presents can be purchased in 90% less time on Christmas Eve as can be purchased the day after Thanksgiving. Note: Also covered in Rational Thinking 301.
13) Driving 101 – Automobile Basics
14) Driving 201 – Backing Out of the Garage/Parking Lot
15) Driving 301 – Parking Between the Lines
16) Driving 401 – Avoiding Large, Obvious Objects
17) Driving 501 – Talking/Not Talking While Driving... Read More
18) Driving 601 (Masters Level) – Parallel Parking
19) Driving 701 (PhD Level) – Changing a Flat Tire
20) Driving 801 – Long Haul Trucking. If you get to this course you should drop it because you might become the ideal man you’re looking for.
21) Reality 101 – All babies aren’t cute.
22) 21st Century Men/Women – If you expect a man to build you a bigger closet you should be able to repair the holes in his trousers while he’s doing it. The same “handy man” skills that are being outsourced to contractors are also disappearing amongst women. A double standard here does nobody any good.
23) Rational Thinking 101 – Introduction to Logic and Sound Reason
24) Rational Thinking 201 – Fundamental Principles in Logic
25) Rational Thinking 301 – Fundamental Principles in Sound Reason... Read More
26) Rational Thinking 401 – Advanced Logic and Sound Reason: Under Distress
27) Rational Thinking 501 – Menstrual Logic and Sound Reason: Yes We Can!
28) Shoes 101 – You don’t get sympathy for uncomfortable shoes when you wear them KNOWING they are uncomfortable simply because they are “cute.” Note: Also covered in Rational Thinking 101.
29) Clothing 101 – If you bought it and never worn it, you shouldn’t have bought it. Furthermore, when you move, you should give the item away and NOT move it with the remainder of your wardrobe. Note: Also covered in Rational Thinking 101.
30) Timing 101 – Don’t interrupt SportsCenter, any game, or Jack Bauer unless it is life threatening. In all other cases please wait until the next commercial. They happen far too frequently. If you can do this for us we promise not to interrupt American Idol, Grey’s Anatomy, or anything on the Lifetime network.
31) Ditzy Doesn’t Help You101 – The man you’re looking for should have an IQ above 40. Why would you expect him to not want the same from you? Ditzy will cause him to smooch you for a while. Not ditzy will keep him interested after that.
32) Drama 101 – If your man doesn’t enjoy watching soap operas it is probably a fair assumption that he doesn’t want you to bring him into your own drama. If you can learn to manage dramatic situations without causing drama in his life you will instantly move into “diamond” range on Mohs Scale of Hotness. If you cannot you will languish in the talc/gypsum range.
33) Breaking the Cycle 101 – If the guy was a jerk the first three times you went out with him chances are he's still a jerk.
34) Breaking the Cycle 201 – Expect a decreasing amount of sympathy and an inversely proportional amount of apathy from guy friends each time you go out and break up with said jerk.
35) Breaking the Cycle 301 – Learn to delete the phone number, e-mail, MySpace, Facebook, twitter, and home address of said jerk and keep it deleted.
38) Gossip 101 – Would it surprise you if the girl you’re gossiping about is saying the exact same things about you that you are saying about her right now? Perhaps that’s why you often make up with your best friend the day after a friendship ending cat-fight with her over her endless relationship issues (see Breaking the Cycle 101, 201, and 301).
39) Sports for Women 101 – All that is needed is at least a fundamental understanding of the three major sports (football, baseball, and basketball). If you can learn these then he can teach you hockey and soccer, which will cause you to grow closer together. Appreciating these things, albeit to a much lesser extent than he does, will buy you more cuddle time on weekends and evenings and promote you from fetching beers.
40) Video Games 101 – If you have a problem with this hobby perhaps it’s an indication that you need a hobby yourself.
41) Why Romantic Comedies Are Bad 101 – Just as porn can objectify women as pieces of meat and give men an unhealthy view of women, romantic comedies objectify men as ignorant slaves/dogs in need of training. Furthermore, if a guy actually wrote you a letter every day after the relationship was finished (like in The Notebook) you would not find that romantic. Instead, you would issue a restraining order against him before you received the 7th letter (see Honesty and Fairness).

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