Thursday, June 21, 2007

just this heart on my sleeve thats bleeding.

I'm cheating on John. Meet him :

A few days ago I mentioned my catch 22 characteristics. One of these said characteristics is the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have a feeling about everything, and I typically have no qualms sharing those feelings with whomever will listen. There are few things in my life that I don't know how I feel about, and they drive me crazy! If I don't know how I feel, I want/need to talk it out. I need to discuss and ponder and analyze until I can make a decision on how I feel. Another one of my catch 22 characteristics goes hand in hand with the aforementioned. I am incredibly sensitive. Those that know and love me best refer to it as my "tender heart". Aren't they sweet? What that translates to, is this: I take most things personally (this is in complete contrast to my behavior most of the time. I'm sneaky that way.). I read into everything. I am a thinker, it is who I am to think and analyze things. And often times when I have analyzed the crap out of something, I see what isn't exactly true, and it ends up hurting my previously mentioned feelings, and breaks my tender heart.
There are several problems here:

1. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and is exceedingly perverse and corrupt and severely, mortally sick! Who can be acquainted with his own heart and mind?" Jer. 17:9
I can not trust my heart. I can not rely on it, or live my life according to how I feel about things. (loss of identity? YEP.) My BFF and I have a saying, "you always feel differently in the morning." It's feelings change a lot. You can see how this is problematic.

2. "Do nothing from factional motives, through contentiousness, strife, selfishness, or for unworthy ends or prompted by conceit and empty arrogance. Instead, in the true spirit of humility, let each regard the others as better and superior to himself, thinking more highly of one another than you do yourselves. Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not merely his own interests, but also each for the interests of others." Phil 2:3-4.
I can analyze as much as I want to, but where I over step my bounds is when I make assumptions that things are about me when they have nothing to do with me. What pish posh. Who do I think I am? That may seem absurd, but ultimately, that's what I'm doing. I'm putting myself in such an elevated position that in the back of mind, I decide that things are all about me. Eeewk.

3. "Keep and guard your heart with all viligence and above all else that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life." Prov. 4:23
Not everything that I feel is appropriate to share. For some reason thats a hard thing for me to get. But really there's not much more to it, just that. Sometimes I need to keep my mouth shut.

There's really no reason for this blog except that I needed a little perspective. So if you're still reading, thank-you...I'd love to know if you can relate of if you have any thoughts on the subject.


KristenRea said...

I love to say "pish posh."

Tori said...

I'm reading that amazing 'Excellent Wife' book your mom gave me. There was a line in it that I read early last week that has really stuck with me, and I think it applies to this post: "You do not have to feel 'led' to be selfless. You just have to do it."