I continually come back to this. And as different as I feel now, things are exactly the same. I used to think that because I felt differently, things WERE different but I've only been kidding myself. Because I still feel intensely. He can say things (which raises the question: why am I still letting him say things to me?) to me that reverberate in my core and make me crazy. I respond irrationally (no shock to those who know me well), but just because its irrational doesn't mean its not credible. It's not the storm before the calm. It's whatever I am feeling in my core... thanks to him. Nothing is the way I want it to be with him. It's always a losing fight. And fighting is exactly what I'm doing. Fighting to make it what it's not....what it has never been. But I am so spent trying to make it the way it is not capable of being. And he has cried wolf so many times that I just don't believe anything anymore. And he knows it. My dear we're slow dancing in a burning room.
He is so good about saying what he doesn't mean and making me believe it. I don't know how he does it, but without fail it happens. He loves the idea of me, but is openly outspoken about the missing interest and attraction. And he has the audacity to tell me that I am the one who wasn't ready or completely committed. He has the nerve to tell me, "your person will come" as if he knows. How dare you say its nothing to me.
He says things just to hurt me. I can't understand why a person would do that, but I assume it's some sort of defense mechanism. Like he has to do it in order to feel like he's still got me in his barrel. He doesn't know that I Cirque Du Soleil-style summer salted out of that freaking barrel yelling "da ta da da!". I don't even know if he realizes that he is hurting me, I don't think he does. I think the need to be #1 is so deep in him that he doesn't even know he's hurting me. And he oozes sincerity when he says "I just don't want to hurt you." He has no idea. You try to hit me just to hurt me cuz you can't understand.
I go back and forth with being furious with myself and furious at him. I want to be able to completely blame one of us. And it would be a whole lot easier if it could be him. He acts like he is the one injured and jaded here, and I don't have the stomach for that kind of victimizing; not from him. Go cry about it, why don't you.
I still think I should have known better. I should have it figured out already. I should have the ability to establish boundaries and KEEP them. I should have known by now that I never was to him what I wanted to be, and he never was what he said he was.
It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
This love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms
We're goin down
And you can see it too
We're goin down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear We're slow dancing in a burnin room
I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw
I'll make the most of all the sadness
You'll be a bitch because you can
You try to hit me just hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand
We're goin down
And you can see it too
We're goin down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear We're slow dancing in a burnin room
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
My dear, we're slow dancin' in a burnin' room, Burnin room, burnin' room
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
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