Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Tired, battered fighters


That's how I describe myself. Maybe it's because I am fully aware of all the ridiculous, insecure nonsense that floats in my heart, & am able to see all that never makes it to the surface. Maybe, I'm just really prideful and think too highly of myself.

I am a strong woman.

I know who I am, what I want, & what I like. And at the end of the day, I'm not apologizing for any of it. [it took me years to get here]

Sometimes, things happen. Things change. Things fall apart. Things come together. Things, that an aggregation of make a girl's strength quaver.

I've been knocked in the face today, looking at the last two to three months, trying to figure out how I'm still standing [actually, I'm not currently standing. I'm lounging]. Almost like I didn't even realize all that I have faced. Like walking into a minefield and not knowing you're missing a leg until the prosthetic goes on. [gross. I know.]

The word sustained keeps rolling around in my mind. Sustained. Maintained at length without interruption or weakening.

Yep. That's what is happening to me. Someone is maintaining me [which in my delirium is really hysterical to me - I can hear my Dad making "maintenance" jokes right now. Guess I'm just now figuring out what he has known all along]. Someone with infinite measures of strength and love and patience is holding me up.

Sometimes people leave.

Sometimes people tell lies about you.

Sometimes answers aren't really answers and only initiate more questions.

Sometimes people you love lose people they love and a funeral becomes the backdrop of your first impression.

Sometimes things that were northern stars and blinking lights become giant question marks.

Sometimes sisters get really sick.

Sometimes jobs are frustrating, challenging and lost.

Sometimes accidents happen, people lie, and their lie costs you a lot.

Sometimes you have to defend yourself to people who love you and have assumed the worst about you.

Sometimes you have to tell dear friends that they are wrong.

Sometimes you fight with people you are desperate to be close to.

Sometimes the calls, texts, and emails don't stop coming.

Sometimes more people leave.

Sometimes fear is the loudest emotion.

Sometimes people you love lose someone else that they love.

Sometimes you fail in doing good.

Sometimes you fail at loving well.

Sometimes you fail at obedience.

Sometimes, a girl on a diet just needs a cheeseburger.

And sometimes, it happens all at once. Even though it feels like too much - it's not. It's just right. It's not too much for the One holding you up. There is always enough grace and forgiveness and answers to get from one day to the next. And one day to the next is really all you need.

It's OK if I don't remember how I get from one day to the next. What I don't accomplish doesn't matter. What matters is Who I cling to; who's neck I hug, who's eyes I smile into, who's words I let in and which ones I keep out.

Chin up. Strength has a posture of consistency. Keep moving.


CassieInTheRain said...

Lovely post. Great pep talk!
I enjoy reading your blog. :)

Ice said...

I enjoyed reading your blog. It is amazing!