Wednesday, November 2, 2011

so I sit

I'm sad.

Things have been a little topsy turvy in my world the past week and try as I might, I'm sad about it. Accompanying [or possibly even preceding] topsy turvyness has been a severe sense of disconnectedness. As they sometimes get, things feel really fragile, delicate, and insecure. Normally, my nature in times like these is rarely to respond indifferently. Instead, I respond in a very well crafted, freak out and scream kind of way. It's usually dramatic, overwhelming and with a perfectly obnoxious amount of over reaction. 

Not this go 'round. 

For a reason I haven't yet been able to pinpoint, I'm just sad about things. Downright blue. I'm not making a lot of noise or doing anything at all - I just shrug my shoulders and nod my head and think "eh." This kind of apathy is really abnormal for me. 

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and so I believe that there is purpose in this season and in this apathy. [it's OK if you think I'm crazy right now.] But I sort of feel resigned to "this is just how things are". Numb, I believe, is the word I'm looking for. Perhaps part of my apathy has to do with the fact that I honestly do not know how to move forward. I have no idea what the next step is. So, I guess I just sit tight [I started to say "buckle up and sit tight", but honestly, there is no buckling necessary here].

I have been reminded of a few things, though. For starters: I am so.much.more than what I do. Actions are important, I believe that, but they aren't everything. And I've got a lot more going on than just what I do. Also, since I am so much more than what I do, and my life stretches far beyond my 9-5, it's been monumentally humbling to see that I have been putting a lot of weight in those things that I am so much more than. I think that part of the reason the past few weeks have been so devastating to my tender-hearted spirit is that my delight, my hope, my anchors have been planted in something really - dumb.

It's dumb to put your hope in people. They are people and people are stupid. They will disappoint, fail, and leave. It will happen. But I do it every time. Every time I sink my claws into something wonderful and good and lovely and when stupid happens, it's a devastating blow. So, I'm being reminded that my hope is not in people or things. My hope is not in my job, my boss, my church, my friends or family. My anchor is not to be settled in those things because at any moment they will change and things get fragile, delicate, and insecure all over again. 

Things just don't feel right in my world. I think I know how they got off track, but I'm not sure how they get back on. [as I finished typing that sentence, I literally shrugged my shoulders and thought "eh, nothing I can do about it." See what I mean?!] Maybe there is nothing that I can do. Maybe I keep working on anchoring myself and putting my hope in Lasting Things. At some point, I think my heart will catch up with my mind. 

Waiting Room, Shane and Shane

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