Wednesday, March 24, 2010

in the autumn of our lives

I have a friend - maybe used-to-be friend, I'm not sure - but a few years ago he and I were pretty close. He was a part of my other "family" and I depended on him the way a person depends on family. He was an odd duck, and now I laugh at how weird it was that we were so close, and I'm grateful in some ways that we are not a constant part of each others lives anymore.
I'll never forget sitting in Starbucks with this friend, and I don't even remember what I had been seeking his counsel about, but I was stressing about something (go figure) and bless his heart - in a rare moment of sincerity and wisdom, he looked me square in the eyes and said, "Erin, sometimes you just have to make a decision. And do it."
This week has been one day after another of rock bottoms. After about three months of "pretty low", I have melted (disintegrated) and as much as I hated doing it, I melted in puddles every where I went. At work, at home, in the grocery store, on the phone... the good thing about rock bottom is you only have one place to go - up. I've never once doubted that there was purpose in the last three months, but knowing there is purpose doesn't make the pain any less painful.
Last night I stood on my patio listening to a newly discovered song on repeat that - PTL - has reminded me that I. love. music. The fact that I'd forgotten that makes me cry. In the beautifully spring-like weather, I came down from my most recent melt and my friend's words came roaring to life in my head. Make a decision. And do it. I stood there, falling in love with music again (it's like we'd broken up) and I looked up into the trees that surround the back of my place. I noticed all these tiny little blooms on the creaky, gray branches. Tiny, bright green blossoms of life. There was a single word that sprang to my mind - HOPE.
I've decided to be done with this funk. My life doesn't look like I want it to, doesn't feel good and there's little I get excited about anymore. But I've decided to start living full of joy, and I'm gonna do it. I don't like that a handful of events or circumstances in my life - although legitimate and real - can so derail my delight. So I've decided to not let them.
Like the tiny little blooms in the creaky trees, I have hope. My hope looks completely different than yours might look, but I still have it.

Close Your Eyes and Wander, Ernie Halter

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