Saturday, October 3, 2009

I don't have time to maintain these regrets

The other day I had one of the proverbial "those" days. The kind of day where my temperament is less than lovely and the smallest things set me off in very unbecoming fits of annoyance and agitation. I had a problem with everything, and at the heart of it all was my feeling in over my head and incapable in some new responsibilities at work (insert absurdity here). I had given in to my usual thoughts and feelings of ineptitude & like a crazy who thrives on panic, I went about my day fretting and panting and sinking into a very pathetic slump of self-pity. Wah, wah, wah, why doesn't anyone love me.

By the time I got home from work, I was so deplorably grumpy that I decided to go for a run and give myself to the fresh air and time to pray through my frustrations. I normally don't run the hill, but I decided to use all my pent up aggression and go for it (phroo!). So I'm enjoying the cool dusky air and praying through some things that have been heavy on heart & kinda lettin' the Lord have it - doesn't He realize how frustrated I feel?? Just as I level out and turn onto the park's trail toward the north, lo and behold, I look up to the east and see an almost entirely full moon (and you know I sort of have this ginormous crush on a beautiful moon). I just laughed. It was like the Lord dropped that beautiful moon in the sky that minute just for me; just to show me He delights in blessing me and that His gifts for me are abundant even in the smallest things.

Beginning to feel slightly less grumpified, I went on around the trail, my prayers taking a slightly less selfish focus. I rounded the trail again, turning toward the south and my oh my - the most beautiful line of storm clouds. Big and ominous and bright white in the darkening sky, with bursts of lighting racing through them. I had to stop on the trail and laugh. I can't explain how beautiful the contrast was. The crystal clear and clean sky perfectly dotted with an ideal moon to my left, and alarmingly stunning storm clouds peppered with lightning in front of me.
Immediately my frustrations and angst seemed to mix with the sweat and seeped out of my body. The things I'd let myself get so bummed out about seemed absolutely insignificant and worthless out there on that trail. Without thought, I started singing the song that surfaced.
He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us so

He was jealously demanding my affections. It was as if in those twenty minutes, the Lord perfectly ordained every detail just to tell me "I love you. Have the moon. Have the storm. Have the cool air." And everything else seemed so secondary to those precious gifts.

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