I don't know where to begin.
I don't know about the rest of you, but it seems like everywhere I look, catastrophe reigns. Catastrophic things are happening everywhere. And I have a problem with that.
I've never been one to believe that life will always be rainbows and sunshine - in fact, I've always been quite the opposite... we were never promised that life would be easy, and it's okay to have a bad day. I've always had a great disdain for those who get upset with me for having a bad day. But I want to say that I have had enough of the ruin. I can escape it most of the day, but when I finally get quiet at the end of the day... the darkness gets the best of me and I can not hide from it anymore.
There's just something about the dark. Maybe it's that I can't see the things that distract me during the day, I don't know, but I can't stand the dark.
I believe that there is a God, and that He is Sovereign over all things. That is to say: I believe that all things (and by "all things", I mean, ALL things.) have purpose - good things and bad things - have purpose to bring about God's will. I do not believe that God is surprised by the acts and calamities of man, nor do I believe that He responds to our self-absorption flippantly. So, I believe that everything in my life, from my two-month-premature lungs developing in an incubator, to my job, to my future - all of it, I believe God is in complete control over every detail.
Having said that, I have to confess that while I know that in my head - I rarely trust it in my heart. I worry with the best of them. And what is worry? Really, it's simply not trusting in my heart all those things I just said I believed about God.
I think most of you would agree that it is extremely difficult to look at the natural tragedies our earth has seen over the last oh, five years, and say with a chipper grin, "God is in control." We've seen tsunamis, hurricanes, cyclones, earthquakes, and tornadoes kill thousands and thousands of people. Does God not remain good in those trials? Is He not still the creator of the earth, and thus, dare I say, the creator of such tempestuous acts of the earth? If I truly believe that God is Sovereign over all things, I must believe that even in death, catastrophe, and calamity, His hand remains secure (...He's got the whole world, in His hands....He's got the whole world, in His hands...He's got the whole world...).
Easier said than done, I know.
I can't explain to you why I feel as lost as I do today. I can't point to reasons why. I don't know why I feel disconnected from those who love me, or why I struggle to see joy in the future, or why I feel inadequate in my core. But when I look around me, I see sad faces and weary souls who are in just as much need as I am. And I've got nothing to give.
I keep getting up every day praying, "THIS is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." Hoping that I am able to follow through with it. I can't tell you the last time I could. I keep thinking "once today is over...", but the way I feel never changes. And the worst part about it, is I don't have any reasons.
My family, all thirteen of them, are alive and well and safe. My job, even though it absolutely does not feel like it, is secure and I can pay my bills. I don't have any looming ailments or illnesses. I have not lost a child or parent. I have not been robbed. I have not watched my home be blown away and scattered for miles. My concerns, my anxieties seem so petty in comparison with the things I seen the past few weeks in other peoples lives.
So why, exactly, am I unable to sleep at night?
I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. I think it's because I know how gross my heart is, and I know that I deserve to be a lot worse off than I am. That's a terrifying thing to be alone with in the dark. And I spend a lot of time trying to figure things out...and I just have to stop doing that. Why is this happening? What does it mean?.... Who do I think I am, that I would be able to figure out those things far beyond my control?
A friend of mine is constantly living a mantra of "fake it 'til you make it." And I've found myself adopting that ideology lately. I hate that. I hate being fake - and I am really really good at it. But I am tired of being fake. I am tired of saying that I am doing what I don't do. I am tired of making my world believe that I have things together. I am tired of being told how intimidating I am. I hate that so much.
What I have doesn't seem like enough. I'm not sure I could ever be truly happy and satisfied with my life the way it is now. That might need to be worked out of me, or it might just be an indicator that I'm not exactly in the right spot.
So I don't know...I don't know how to fix anything, or where to go from here, really. I continue to weed out what's is overgrown and rooted, hoping my heart is not so hard that new life can't grow.