This week has been infamous. I'm wondering how on earth I haven't crumbled to pieces (even though right now, I feel a little in pieces), and trying to wrap my brain around devastating heartache. I don't know how I am sustained; only that I am. It just doesn't make sense that I am still standing on both feet. And yesterday, I would have said that there was no way I could handle something like this; that I couldn't take anything else on my plate.
Funny thing, that grace.
I've lost a lot, it feels like, the past few days - but my Dad is still at home if I want to go see him. And while I, and the ones I love the most are struggling (and in my personal case, quite UN-gracefully) in devastating heartache, I can't escape the feeling of gain that accompanies this feeling of loss.
I can't even begin to tell you the things I've learned through all of this. I've learned so much about myself, about what I want, what I DON'T want, and about the faithful, unexplainable, grace and peace of our God. I expect that for years to come I will still be telling on the goodness of the Lord through this dreadfully painful season of my life. I hope to tell my children (God-willing :)) these stories when one of them smashes their finger. And I hope to recount these things to my parents when I come to them on the arm of my one and only (again, God-willing).
"Winter will turn to spring, spring to summer, summer to fall, fall to winter. Families will rejoice with the birth of a new child. Mothers-to-be will mesmerizingly rub their swollen bellies as they feel the first few flutters of life within them...Lovers will enter into a lifelong covenant with each other, for better or worse. Fabulous food and heartfelt laughter will be shared around the dinner table...There is great joy and comfort in these things. Familiarity. Things going the way they should. Life following the expected course. There is nothing wrong with it. It is the experience of common grace. How gracious is the Father that He would let us enjoy such life?
And, how gracious is the Father that He would let us enjoy such loss?...
By His grace, it fosters within us steadfastness (James 1), genuineness of faith (1 Peter 1) and power (2 Corinthians 12). It also reminds us that there must be more than this (2 Corinthians 4 & 5).
Yes, there is mercy and grace in life going on...but there is also mercy and grace in life stopping for a bit. In a woman losing her 75-year-old husband after 49 years of marriage. In a woman losing her twentysomething husband after 3 years of marriage..."
Painful and scary as it is, the darkness is not without purpose. You can only see stars in the dark. You would never love the sunshine if it weren't for the clouds. I don't want my longing for the absence of heartache and pain to slay the appetite of my life today.
I hate feeling unstable. I hate feeling scattered, like I'm just floating. I hate feeling like I don't have a safe place to land at the end of the day. I might crumble to pieces. I might have a nervous breakdown. I might lose loved ones. I might sit up all night with precious friends who have lost loved ones. And I don't know what that will look like. I don't know how there will be provision of joy and peace and sleep-filled nights.
But I do know that God is good. He may not seem fair, or kind. He may seem terrifying. But He is always good.
I don't know if I can do this alone
Oh after all our sweet love is flown
I've been a running
I've been skipping like a stone
And I don't know if I
I can do this all alone
When I met her she was standing by a door
I ain't never seen a light like that before
Now she's left me for something more sure
And I don't know if I
I can do this anymore
'Cause lovers will come, lovers will go
This rare seed are from which true love might grow
If you see her, won't you please say hello
'Cause I don't know if I can do this alone