Wednesday, September 19, 2007

If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?

I know that my blogs here lately have been a little, I apologize for my lack of cheeriness, but this is a good outlet for me. It's not like there are any of you who really read this anyway. Not any of you who probably should, and you don't unless I remind you to.

I have been going back and forth and back and forth with this whole insecurity thing. I have days where the things I see and feel seem like nonsense to me and I don't know WHAT I was thinking. Then there are days where everything is so real and makes so much sense and carries so much hurt. I'm tired of the roller coaster.

My attitude sucks. I know that you are probably trying, or even worse, there are those of you who - bless your heart - don't even have a clue of the weight this has for me, or even that it exists at all. But even though you are trying and even though you might be ignorant to it, I get so annoyed with your efforts to help. LISTEN to what I'm saying. I am not just rambling, I AM TALKING and speaking things from my heart. I'm not always (I'll admit it - sometimes I do) just talking from my emotions. I am telling you things going on - struggles - in my heart. Not every day, but more and more days, I feel like you don't hear me. You, very much so like a certain ninja in my past, shrug me off with an attitude of "oh, she's just cranky again." or "She's just being difficult." That might be true sometimes, but I don't like the way that feels. I haven't figured out yet if its fair of me to ask that you put up with me when I am like that.

My greatest fear is that I become someone else in that circle of we-really-don't-want-to-be-around-them pseudo-friends. I want to be enjoyed and appreciated. Maybe I am, but its hard for me to see sometimes. I am praying and praying that my eyes become wide open to see the ways that you love me and to learn how you communicate it. Sometimes I see it, sometimes I don't. And in the meantime I am existing in this really terrible, really hurtful, really rediculous time of uncertainty and frustration.

I know I'm not easy to get along with right now. I know that you are tired of getting my snippy texts and emails. I know that I am not being a good friend by being readily available to your needs.

Hopefully I'll come around.

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