I'm too busy waiting on me and you

I turned 24 last week. The more I learn about myself (and there is a LOT to learn), the more I realize that I know nothing.

I have feelings of animosity toward people of influence (good and bad) in my life who have told me that I am "difficult" and hard to handle, and too much. No one likes to hear that about themselves. This week I've had the unfortunate experience of realizing that it's true. And I'm pretty sure that most girls are just like me, in that I spend a lot of time trying to be someone, or something I'm not. And I'm pretty good at it.

I can't keep my mouth shut. I over-analyze everything. I have alterior motives. I'm selfish. I'm excessively assertive. I'm jagged. I'm excessively passionate about the wrong things. I'm easily offended, easily hurt, and easily coerced. And I've been walking around thinking I was pretty self-aware and centered. Grounded and solid.
Not so much.

I don't really blame those who hesitate to invest in me. I'm a risky one. And for those who have and do invest in me (especially the like, 3 of you who have figured out exactly what you're investing in), I have an admiration and appreciation for you far beyond anything I ever thought possible. And there are a few of you who I desperately wish could understand me in that way.

I'm just learning this stuff. I'm just learning that I spend so much time trying to convince people to love me. I am just learning that I am rarely myself. I think it's because I don't know myself nearly as well as I think...or thought, that I do. And it's really heartbreaking to me for the couple of you who really think you're figuring me out - but the person you're figuring out is not who I am. It might be who I should be; but it's not who I am.

So I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure out why some of my relationships are not taking form the way I want them to. I've been spending a lot of time and energy trying to make them what I want them to be. And I'm just now realizing a few things.
1. It's not my job to make them what they are going to be.
2. They probably progressing at the rate it seems like they should because the person on the other end is trying to learn someone that is rising and falling constantly.

I don't know what to do about this problem, except just continue to try and figure out who I am. But to those of you that are constantly struggling with me: I do know that it's a problem. I'm workin on it, I promise. And first thing, I'm gonna stop waiting for things I shouldn't be waiting on.


It’s funny how some people dream
They put on a show just to be on the scene
I don’t know how many times
I’ve been right here and you still don’t see me
It may be wrong but tonight I’m gonna to see those city lights
Cause it sure as hell beats lying here wishing I was on your mind
Well tonight I’m walking and you start talking
'Bout what you said we’d never be
Oh and I’ve been worried
It’s the same old story
I never know if you’re gonna leave
I say it’s the last time
Just like I always do
So I’ll give you another chance
And I’ll lay it all on you
Well I caught myself out drifting cause sometimes I like just to be alone
Like a lonely gypsy with nothing to lose and no one to call my own
I know that there’s people watching just waiting for my next move
Oh but they can’t see that I’m too busy waiting on me and you
Well tonight I’m walking and you start talking
'Bout what you said we’d never be
Oh and I’ve been worried
It’s the same old story
I never know if you’re gonna leave
I say it’s the last time
Just like I always do
So I’ll give you another chance
And I’ll lay it all on you
Lay it all on you
Oh I’ll give you one more chance, and I’ll lay it all on you
Lay it all on you