I've been calling your name

For weeks I've been wrestling with myself. I'm sure that you older, and much wiser ones would say that's its just this season of life - but everything feels uncertain. I'm desperate for some consistency. Something that is a genuine constant in my life that isn't family drama/heartache or my job (the only two things I feel like I can count on every day). Everything feels like at any moment it could change and will change, and inevitably slip away.
I could go on and on about specifics that are eating away at me, but my experiences past have taught me - if nothing else - that putting things on the Internet for all the world to read doesn't help anyone but myself. So here's the thing: there is all this stuff. And for those of you who know me well (honestly... it's like 3 of you), you know that I can not just turn my brain off. This stuff is whirling around in my head and is the source of extreme angst. So the Lord - in His faithfulness - has kept me awake several of the past few nights and has kept me uncomfortable in my own skin. He has been pleading with me to just stop trying so hard, to put my hands at my side, and do it, or don't.
“How many of us have said and sung with all our hearts “anywhere with Jesus,” but at the same time we did not realize all that it meant for us. Indeed at home, and surrounded by all that home means, we could not know. When the test comes, we must not forget that “anywhere” means for missionaries something different… and let us take very good care not to make a misery of anything that “anywhere” brings us.
To us in Algeria it must mean sometime or other, Arabic food. Do we object to it? And mice, do we mind them? And mosquitoes, do we think them dreadful? In some parts it means close contact with dirt and repulsive disease. Yet if Jesus is there, what have we possible to complain of? It means living among a stiff-necked and untrue people and struggling with a strange and difficult language. And yet let us evermore write over all our miseries, big, and for the most part very little, these transforming words “With Jesus.” And then the very breath of Heaven will breathe upon our whole being and we shall be glad.” - Lilias Trotter, Algerian Missionary late 1800s

So in my restlessness, I have been confronted with the question, "where will you go, Erin, where will you go if He calls you there?"
I am not saying that I feel called to missions in Algeria, Africa, or anywhere else that isn't my community. What I am saying is that the only relief from my angst, is in committing to go where He leads me. And right now, He leads me into unknown depths.
I don't know where I will live this time next year.
I don't know if my sister will be safe, happy, and healthy.
I don't know if my brother will ever walk passionately with God.
I don't know if my job is a job I should stay at.
I don't know if she/he/they will move.
I don't know if [YOOJ] is failing and falling apart.
I don't know if I will ever find my one and only.

But I do know that I don't want anything that He isn't in the middle of. I don't want to go there if He isn't there. I am tired of the things I am about being little "miseries". I am terrified of the unknown, and terrified of what my feeble brain can't understand, but I will go wherever He is.
It's been a week, and already the little note card that has "with Jesus" scribbled on it is already getting tattered and tear-stained. I guess that He'll take my tears and my fears and my doubts, though, right?
I don't know where to go from here. I don't expect it to be easy. I just know that something has to start feeling safe.


I've been waiting for you
I've been waiting for you
Never found anything else to do
But waiting for you
I've been calling your name
I've been calling your name
Never found anything else to say
Nothing to say
You can kill a lot of time if you really want put your mind do it
Leave it all behind if you never wanna go through it
I keep hearing your name
I keep hearing your name
Nothing else sounds the same
As hearing your name
You can kill a lot of time if you really put your mind to it
Or leave it all behind and never ever go through it
I've been hoping for you
Keep hoping for you
What else can I do
But keep hoping for you?
You can kill a lot of time if you really put your mind to it
Or leave it all behind and never ever go through it
We can kill a lot and never really have to go through it
What else can I do
But keep hoping for you?