[i'm stealing this idea from a friend of mine in an effort to be less of a whiny and self focused kind of lady and way more of a butterflies and puppy dogs kind of lady. everybody likes those kinds of ladies.]
Five things I'm really grateful for/happy about/enjoying today:
1. Flagstaff, Arizona. I'm working here through Wednesday and it's a lovely 79 degrees and I watched an amazing thunder storm this afternoon.[ya'll know that this lady loves the rain]
2. A text message from someone who makes me happy and I hadn't heard from in several days. It was not profound or outstanding or any kind of grand overture. Just someone who makes me happy - it doesn't take much.
3. I'm happy about the fact that I got 3 hours of sleep and I haven't had an epic melt down [today. yet.]
4. Change. I'm not always enthusiastic about change, but I'm confident in change right now. Bring.it.on.
5. I'm really grateful that it wasn't me on the seriously awful, awkward date I witnessed last night. Eew and omg.
Little Lies, Dave Barnes
Monday, August 13, 2012
to endless day
I'm treating insomnia [ok. maybe it's not insomnia. maybe i had a troubling dream and don't want to try laying still anymore. tomato. toMAHto.] by catching up on my blog subscriptions. I've mentioned her a few times before, but I have a monster girl-crush on this one.
Ya'll.
I've been reading Annie's blog for the last hour and I'm bawling like a child. She talks about friends, family, and grace - how on earth God uses one person to speak truth and humor and comfort and encouragement and peace to me in the middle of the night is a.maze.ing.
I try not to be too fluffy a person. My emotions are seriously strong, but that doesn't mean I think they should boss me. So I don't like to over-fluff things and be really feely about things that shouldn't be. But I will tell you - I've spent enough sleepless nights in my life to know that sometimes God wakes you up on purpose. [sigh. and now I know why this has been a song in my heart for the last week.] So I've learned to listen when I'm awake in the middle of the night.
I'm so glad I did.
I need to know that people like Annie exist in the world. Women who have successfully embraced the seemingly cray cray calling on their life - using their gifts and talents and yes, even insecurities, to serve people. And serve them well. It makes me feel like someday I'll be able to use the things I know I'm good at and it will mean something.
That's a really exciting thing for me because today [or yesterday, actually] I haven't felt useful. at. all. I have felt completely useless. What on earth am I even good at? And even if I were to miraculously obtain the confidence in my goodness to do something with it, how on earth do I make it actually matter? How do I communicate to others that I can be useful?
See, Annie - in ways she will never ever know - breathes hope in me that my gifts, my goodness; it's useful. It's underrated. You know how? She consistently speaks truthfully about her shortcomings and beautifully assigns credit for her successes to her Creator. There is no other way to be useful.
Reading through the last two months of Annie's post tonight, I found myself heart-singing this old hymn and man - you know what music does to me. Assurance began to trickle into my heart;
It's OK if I feel useless [and let's be honest. useless might just be the nice way of saying incompetent or disposable]. But it's not the truth. It just isn't. And it never will be true.
I think it's so great that God uses any method he wants to do what he wills - using a crazy dream to wake me up, and a series of blog posts to wreck me and pull me through the quagmire of unidentified mess in my heart. I might be a weepy, snotty mess but I am overwhelmed at the amount of grace given to me through Annie and her words.
Do yourself a favor, especially if you are a female, or if you know any females, and read what she has to say.
Ya'll.
I've been reading Annie's blog for the last hour and I'm bawling like a child. She talks about friends, family, and grace - how on earth God uses one person to speak truth and humor and comfort and encouragement and peace to me in the middle of the night is a.maze.ing.
I try not to be too fluffy a person. My emotions are seriously strong, but that doesn't mean I think they should boss me. So I don't like to over-fluff things and be really feely about things that shouldn't be. But I will tell you - I've spent enough sleepless nights in my life to know that sometimes God wakes you up on purpose. [sigh. and now I know why this has been a song in my heart for the last week.] So I've learned to listen when I'm awake in the middle of the night.
I'm so glad I did.
I need to know that people like Annie exist in the world. Women who have successfully embraced the seemingly cray cray calling on their life - using their gifts and talents and yes, even insecurities, to serve people. And serve them well. It makes me feel like someday I'll be able to use the things I know I'm good at and it will mean something.
That's a really exciting thing for me because today [or yesterday, actually] I haven't felt useful. at. all. I have felt completely useless. What on earth am I even good at? And even if I were to miraculously obtain the confidence in my goodness to do something with it, how on earth do I make it actually matter? How do I communicate to others that I can be useful?
See, Annie - in ways she will never ever know - breathes hope in me that my gifts, my goodness; it's useful. It's underrated. You know how? She consistently speaks truthfully about her shortcomings and beautifully assigns credit for her successes to her Creator. There is no other way to be useful.
Reading through the last two months of Annie's post tonight, I found myself heart-singing this old hymn and man - you know what music does to me. Assurance began to trickle into my heart;
love cannot from it's post withdraw;nor death, nor hell, nor sin, nor law,can turn the Surety's heart away;he'll love his own to endless day.
It's OK if I feel useless [and let's be honest. useless might just be the nice way of saying incompetent or disposable]. But it's not the truth. It just isn't. And it never will be true.
I think it's so great that God uses any method he wants to do what he wills - using a crazy dream to wake me up, and a series of blog posts to wreck me and pull me through the quagmire of unidentified mess in my heart. I might be a weepy, snotty mess but I am overwhelmed at the amount of grace given to me through Annie and her words.
Do yourself a favor, especially if you are a female, or if you know any females, and read what she has to say.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
A Note to my Neighbors
Dear Neighbor Men Who Really Enjoy Playing Frisbee,
Hello. Do you live here? I only ask because I have never ever seen you in the normal light of day, but only when you're out in front of the building at all hours of the night... playing Frisbee.
What you're doing there - playing Frisbee - that looks like a lot of fun. But you see, it's midnight. On a Wednesday. And I am a grown up. Grown ups have jobs they have to go to. And I happen to have a job that requires me to be awake at 5 am. And while I understand that your dog needs to go outside, and no reasonable person would play Frisbee in the 90 degree heat of the day... you have gottostopit.
Because every single time that you miss catching that Frisbee, it makes this interesting pop-and-skid noise that only plastic on cement can make. And it results in a sonic-like echo off of the building. Which, as you probably know what with being residents here and all, is 90% concrete so everything.echoes. You can imagine that a light sleeper like myself that hears my roommate whistle, and cheer, and giggle, and walk, and sigh every evening doesn't appreciate the very rhythmic noise of you being bad at Frisbee. I may be 8 stories up... but that noise has a uniqueness to it that is unmistakable and oddly loud.
So please - if you insist on continuing to partake in the sport - save yourself from another one of these sleep-deprived, basket-case outbursts from me and just learn to catch the freakin thing.
Thankyousosmuch,
A Very Annoyed Neighbor.
Hello. Do you live here? I only ask because I have never ever seen you in the normal light of day, but only when you're out in front of the building at all hours of the night... playing Frisbee.
What you're doing there - playing Frisbee - that looks like a lot of fun. But you see, it's midnight. On a Wednesday. And I am a grown up. Grown ups have jobs they have to go to. And I happen to have a job that requires me to be awake at 5 am. And while I understand that your dog needs to go outside, and no reasonable person would play Frisbee in the 90 degree heat of the day... you have gottostopit.
Because every single time that you miss catching that Frisbee, it makes this interesting pop-and-skid noise that only plastic on cement can make. And it results in a sonic-like echo off of the building. Which, as you probably know what with being residents here and all, is 90% concrete so everything.echoes. You can imagine that a light sleeper like myself that hears my roommate whistle, and cheer, and giggle, and walk, and sigh every evening doesn't appreciate the very rhythmic noise of you being bad at Frisbee. I may be 8 stories up... but that noise has a uniqueness to it that is unmistakable and oddly loud.
So please - if you insist on continuing to partake in the sport - save yourself from another one of these sleep-deprived, basket-case outbursts from me and just learn to catch the freakin thing.
Thankyousosmuch,
A Very Annoyed Neighbor.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
build your heart an army
Today has been the kind of day where I have been acutely aware of how awful the world is. People are liars, users, abusers, and lazy. People are sick and hurting. Everything is hard and nothing is simple [boo hoo, I know].
My instinct is to run. I like to fall in a heap in a sock drawer, shut myself up and off, turn on some really great, sad music and get comfy in a good wallow [its annoying, I know].
The funny thing is, the things that have stripped me most today are people who have bolted. They disappear, keep secrets, and scheme [boo-hiss, world!]. And I am such a goof for wanting to do the same thing in reaction.
One of these days I'll figure out how to have reasonable expectations of people and situations and days like today won't be so shocking. Until then, I have to figure out a way to react better. No one likes a wallower.
The completely ridiculous part of my brain shrugs its shoulders, turns on Adele and says,
The teeny weeny part of me that is semi-reasonable seems to think that there's got to be a very happy, easy place somewhere in the middle.
My heart is a very warm place. Sometimes it gets a little too toasty and people need to step out for some air. [as GP so perfectly articulated it].
That's allowed.
My heart is also a gem. You're lucky if you get in there; I'm sorta stingy with it, believe it or not. Sometimes I make poor choices and let real clowns in on the warmth.
That is not allowed.
I think the happy middle place that I'm on the hunt for lies somewhere within allowing people who are worthy of my warmth to step out for a breather, and not allowing myself to be dumb about opening the door in the first place.
Even now [happily holed up in my sock drawer], I'm laughing at myself for ruminating on these age old conundrums as if life actually had a solution.
Oh, me.
My instinct is to run. I like to fall in a heap in a sock drawer, shut myself up and off, turn on some really great, sad music and get comfy in a good wallow [its annoying, I know].
The funny thing is, the things that have stripped me most today are people who have bolted. They disappear, keep secrets, and scheme [boo-hiss, world!]. And I am such a goof for wanting to do the same thing in reaction.
One of these days I'll figure out how to have reasonable expectations of people and situations and days like today won't be so shocking. Until then, I have to figure out a way to react better. No one likes a wallower.
The completely ridiculous part of my brain shrugs its shoulders, turns on Adele and says,
"You just gotta be stone cold. Don't care. Don't invest. Be breezy."
The completely fluffy part of my brain bakes some cinnamon rolls, turns on The Judds and says,
"Love everything and everyone. Give, give, give."
The teeny weeny part of me that is semi-reasonable seems to think that there's got to be a very happy, easy place somewhere in the middle.
My heart is a very warm place. Sometimes it gets a little too toasty and people need to step out for some air. [as GP so perfectly articulated it].
That's allowed.
My heart is also a gem. You're lucky if you get in there; I'm sorta stingy with it, believe it or not. Sometimes I make poor choices and let real clowns in on the warmth.
That is not allowed.
I think the happy middle place that I'm on the hunt for lies somewhere within allowing people who are worthy of my warmth to step out for a breather, and not allowing myself to be dumb about opening the door in the first place.
Even now [happily holed up in my sock drawer], I'm laughing at myself for ruminating on these age old conundrums as if life actually had a solution.
Oh, me.
Friday, May 25, 2012
don't be scared to like it
[in light of my recent birthday I've been pondering lessons I have learned. since this blog is purely narcissistic, of course I will share them with you.]
Life Lessons of a Twenty-Something Female
1. It's not always okay to voice your opinion. But you should find people who let you voice your opinion and love you still. Hang out with those people.
2. Stay up late on a weeknight with someone [or someone(s)] who makes you feel particularly alive.
3. Do a lot of things for other people.
4. High heels will make your feet hurt. They will also often make you feel like the sexiest girl alive. You'll have to choose which is more important to you - choosing comfort over sex factor is OK.
5. Try not to care about what people whom you don't care much about think about you. Care about the things that people you DO care about think about you. If the things that they think about you are callous and cavalier and careless, you probably shouldn't care so much for those people.
6. Laugh. A lot.
7. The world will tell you to go with your gut. Tread lightly - your gut is not reliable.
8. Explore things that you might be interested in. Invest in things that you know you are interested in. Don't make frivolous investments, but allow yourself to explore.
9. Take personal and professional risks. They might discourage you and make you doubt yourself, but they might also challenge you in a way that energizes you. Every single risk is worth it.
10. If a man hits on you and he has a cell phone clipped to his belt... say no.
11. French Press Coffee. It's one of life's gifts.
12. Know what you like and own it. Don't spend time trying to like things that you just don't because someone else does or because it's the cool thing to do. When no one else is loving John Mayer - know that you do and stick to it. Sticktoitiveness is a rare and valuable quality.
13. Men absolutely have some kind of radar. They just know - and they will figure out a way to blow your theories & assumptions out of the water. The radar allows them to come out of the woodwork when you least expect it. Be careful what you say out loud - the radar picks up on it.
14. Own up to your regrets. There is nothing wrong with having regrets as long as you know that is what they are.
15. Red wine is good. Drink a lot of it. [but not all at once]
16. Make hard decisions. If nothing else, the confidence that you find in your ability to make the hard decision will carry you a very long way.
17. When you're having a bad day, watch a dancing movie. Dancing movies make everything better [and drink some red wine while you're at it]
18. Sunday afternoons are meant for laying in bed. Sleep, snuggle, read, watch a movie.. just do it while curled up in bed.
19. Don't hold yourself to anyone else's time table. They don't live your life - only you do that.
20. Grant yourself the opportunity to make mistakes. They are the very best lessons.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
the truth is
This hasn't happened to me before.
I am 97% sure that I'm being selfish and maybe lazy and maybe I have extraordinarily high hopes, but I've settled into a decision and in a strange turn of events for me, I refuse to agonize over it [like i'm prone to do about every.thing.else in life].
I met a Man.
I was not looking for a man, I was on a business trip, looking for a good place to watch a football game, and I found a Man. About four hours and a misstep in judgment later, this Man had me giggling and swooning. To his credit, he did things the right way and asked the right questions and actually followed through on them [herein lies the reason I have said man and not boy]. You can understand my swooning.
We've been in that wonderful and terrible season of "talking" [what does that even mean?] for about six weeks now. He is 1,700 miles away on most days and "talking" is good and so much easier when you've got automatic distance. But here's what I've decided:
Things have stalled out. They've stopped dead in the water and I just think that things should be easier than that. Frankly, call me lazy, but I'm just not interested in putting forth the effort to push things further. I don't want to have to be the one to do that. We talk regularly, but communication is still pretty shallow [how was your day? it was great, how was yours? Good, thanks for asking]. Things have stopped progressing organically, and I'm just not willing to put myself out there to push them along. If we were in the same city, hanging out, things probably would be progressing organically - but we're not in the same city, and things aren't progressing organically. I'm not interested in fabricating things further - I'm tired of doing that. Too many times, I've reached a similar point in relationships and thinking that we both were interested in moving forward, we force movement only for me to find out sooner or later that he's just not that in to me. I'm not doing that anymore.
Not that long ago, I met a Guy. It didn't take me long at all to know that I liked him. I liked this Guy. I liked who he was, what he did, how he did it, and I wanted to be where he was. I like this Man just fine, I really do, but I don't know that I like him the way that I did with the Guy. Maybe I'm selling myself short by not allowing the time and space to figure that out, and it's probably not fair for me to compare the two [Man and Guy are soooo not the same]. But I'm sorta thinking that if I don't know, it's OK that I don't want to put forth the effort [and risk] to find out. Right?
I am always happy to hear from him, it excites me - I do like this man [I haven't been able to forget about the swooning]. But he's gonna have to do something if things are gonna go anywhere. That might make me one of those high maintenance, annoying types, but it's what I think. [don't forget that this is not normal for me.]
Poo or get off the pot. Best of luck.
You're just not that into me. No hard feelings.
Kinda hope you change my mind. Let's be friends.
Easy, Rascal Flatts
I am 97% sure that I'm being selfish and maybe lazy and maybe I have extraordinarily high hopes, but I've settled into a decision and in a strange turn of events for me, I refuse to agonize over it [like i'm prone to do about every.thing.else in life].
I met a Man.
I was not looking for a man, I was on a business trip, looking for a good place to watch a football game, and I found a Man. About four hours and a misstep in judgment later, this Man had me giggling and swooning. To his credit, he did things the right way and asked the right questions and actually followed through on them [herein lies the reason I have said man and not boy]. You can understand my swooning.
We've been in that wonderful and terrible season of "talking" [what does that even mean?] for about six weeks now. He is 1,700 miles away on most days and "talking" is good and so much easier when you've got automatic distance. But here's what I've decided:
I am over.it.
Things have stalled out. They've stopped dead in the water and I just think that things should be easier than that. Frankly, call me lazy, but I'm just not interested in putting forth the effort to push things further. I don't want to have to be the one to do that. We talk regularly, but communication is still pretty shallow [how was your day? it was great, how was yours? Good, thanks for asking]. Things have stopped progressing organically, and I'm just not willing to put myself out there to push them along. If we were in the same city, hanging out, things probably would be progressing organically - but we're not in the same city, and things aren't progressing organically. I'm not interested in fabricating things further - I'm tired of doing that. Too many times, I've reached a similar point in relationships and thinking that we both were interested in moving forward, we force movement only for me to find out sooner or later that he's just not that in to me. I'm not doing that anymore.
Not that long ago, I met a Guy. It didn't take me long at all to know that I liked him. I liked this Guy. I liked who he was, what he did, how he did it, and I wanted to be where he was. I like this Man just fine, I really do, but I don't know that I like him the way that I did with the Guy. Maybe I'm selling myself short by not allowing the time and space to figure that out, and it's probably not fair for me to compare the two [Man and Guy are soooo not the same]. But I'm sorta thinking that if I don't know, it's OK that I don't want to put forth the effort [and risk] to find out. Right?
I am always happy to hear from him, it excites me - I do like this man [I haven't been able to forget about the swooning]. But he's gonna have to do something if things are gonna go anywhere. That might make me one of those high maintenance, annoying types, but it's what I think. [don't forget that this is not normal for me.]
Easy, Rascal Flatts
Thursday, February 2, 2012
slowly killing me
Some weeks are just worse than others. Self admittedly, I can be [a little] over dramatic, and I know that there are numerous people who roll their eyes at me when I start complaining and freaking out. This week, it's made me understand that sometimes I over-react. I'd take one of those weeks where I think things are really bad over this one ANY day.
Thursday Things
1. In the last 10 days, three people have died. I talked about one of them here. The other two were relatives. It's never fun or easy when someone passes away and I feel like grabbin on to my family with a stealth grip.
2. In the last week, two friends of mine have told me they are talking divorce with their spouse. I am far too young to have friends who are getting divorced. Breaks my heart and at the same time, makes want to scream and yell at people for being... people. I'm thinkin that it might be best to just stay single [not really. only kinda.]
3. In the last week, I've had a few experiences with some men in my life that have meirritated hurting concerned. At the risk of sounding like a jaded spinster, I have to say this: Men, you need to get your shit act together. If you have women in your life that trust you and depend on you, don't transition her vulnerability, her affection for you to impropriety. Do you know what that means? Don't make a floozy out of her by using her dependence on you to your own advantage. Honor her in the things that you say to her and the ways that you say them. Don't be a jerk, be a freakin' man. Some women live in a lie that they can't truly be themselves or that they can't reveal their true selves to men. In the rare instance that a woman is honest with you - treat her like it's OK for her to be honest. Don't treat her like that lie is true, misusing her trust in you by your barbaric ways.
4. The Texas lottery is $170 million this week. I think that I will play, win, quit my job, and disappear to someplace snowy and cold for a few days and then disappear to a sunny, coconutty island for a few days. So, now if I fall off the grid - you know where I am.
Misery, Maroon 5
Thursday Things
1. In the last 10 days, three people have died. I talked about one of them here. The other two were relatives. It's never fun or easy when someone passes away and I feel like grabbin on to my family with a stealth grip.
2. In the last week, two friends of mine have told me they are talking divorce with their spouse. I am far too young to have friends who are getting divorced. Breaks my heart and at the same time, makes want to scream and yell at people for being... people. I'm thinkin that it might be best to just stay single [not really. only kinda.]
3. In the last week, I've had a few experiences with some men in my life that have me
4. The Texas lottery is $170 million this week. I think that I will play, win, quit my job, and disappear to someplace snowy and cold for a few days and then disappear to a sunny, coconutty island for a few days. So, now if I fall off the grid - you know where I am.
Misery, Maroon 5
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